There it is again, mom guilt. Another photo on Instagram depicts a perfect birthday party for someone’s 2-year-old, with the mom’s perfect bikini body in the spotlight. How can you possibly live up to this hype about the “super moms” all around you? They’re happy, gorgeous, calm, and living life to the fullest. They have it all (or that’s what social media tells us), and there it is again…mom guilt. So exactly what is “mom guilt” and how can you manage it?
Who Is Most at Risk for Mom Guilt?
Like all disorders, there are always certain groups that are more at risk, or more susceptible, to fall prey to comparisons. In this case, first-time moms as well as working and single moms, and moms of teens and young adults all are at high risk of struggling with mom guilt and regret. Mom guilt is real and can cause emotional issues that may affect all parts of a mother’s life and the family.
First-time moms want to be the best mom they can be right from the very beginning by showing that they are the idyllic, perfect mom. They have often underestimated the strains a child can add to a marriage and life in general. Before your sweet little one is born, sleepless nights sound like extra time to cuddle your baby…and then life takes away your fantasy.
Working moms can struggle with guilt in wanting to pursue a career and personal goals. Although socially accepted, being away from your little one can highlight how quickly they grow up. So many important moments are likely missed. On top of that, parents can be exhausted at night, finding it hard to give them adequate attention and patience.
Single moms may feel the most guilty of all. They rarely have any option but to work long hours to make ends meet and come home and have to be both mom and dad to their children. They may have limited emotional and decision-making support. With no male father figure to share the responsibilities of raising children, they may feel they let their child down right from birth.
Let’s look at practical ways to overcome mom guilt.
Choices and Compromises Are Part of Life
If you are a working mom, maybe you have chosen to be outside the home and use your talents in the workplace and maybe you have no choice but to work. Being a stay-at-home mom is a 24/7 job where the highlights of your day may be getting a 4-minute shower and making it through Target with only one temper tantrum.
When the primary caregiver works outside the home, it is important to keep your focus on your priorities because you will continually need to determine where you can compromise your time. Give yourself permission to enjoy your career without guilt, because ultimately it is beneficial for you and your child. Strengthen your support network to include trusted others whom you can count on when needed. We are not meant to do life alone. Utilize your support system to create quality one-on-one time with each of your children once a month. If you recall your childhood, likely what you desired most was loving, playful attention from a parent.
Get Off Social Media
I know that likely sounds too drastic. However, please seriously consider limiting your time on social media apps. Your children and your relationship with them will benefit more than you can imagine. Facebook and Instagram only make you compare yourself to others and add to your mom guilt, it doesn’t benefit you or anyone else in your life. Why peek into other’s lives when your little ones are right in front of you and want your full attention more than you know…yes, even your teens!
Put Down Your Smartphone
Being on your phone is often a distraction from your stress. While stress management is important, there are many healthier ways to address stress. Consider that when you spend time looking at social media, you are not present with those you love, the people who mean the most to you, and are likely adding to your mom guilt.
Live in the Present
So you couldn’t be there all day when you were at work, but you are there now. Make the most of the time with your children. Introduce them to different activities, note what they like, and what they are doing, learn how to talk to them about their day, and be together without distraction. Chances are high that they have already forgotten you were gone, so focus on the time you have now.
People, especially children, don’t remember what you did together but they do remember how you made them feel.
Do Something Just for You
Doing something just for you is a good thing. As a mom of 4, I know this is easier said than done. This is another reason why you need to develop your support system. Maybe it is a group of moms that take turns watching each other’s kids. It will help you be a better more relaxed mom. And if this seems like too much work, the possibility of depression may need to be explored. It is important that moms don’t neglect their own physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and relational health. After all, statistics show that children more often than not, mirror their parents when they become parents themselves.
Set Aside 1-on-1 Time
Even if it is only 15 minutes in a day, spend that time with a child one-on-one. Let them pick what you’ll do or talk about, and you choose the next time. 15 minutes of undivided attention can give your child a real treat, and work wonders to resolve any guilty feelings. Somehow children know that time is the most valuable gift you can give.
Don’t let mom guilt spoil some of the best times of your life. As a mom of 4 adult children, I am very familiar with mom regrets and how hindsight can haunt us.
Change your goal
Every parent will leave their children with hurts. It is impossible to spend 18+ years with little versions of yourself and not disappoint, fail, embarrass, or under/over parent. No one can be perfect.
Thankfully, parents don’t need to be anywhere close to perfect to raise happy, securely attached children. Dr. Donald Winnicot and Dr. Jack Stoltzfus have both suggested that parents only need to “get it right” about 30% of the time. Parents who succeed at this are called “good enough parents”, and that can and should be our new goal.
If you are stressed and overwhelmed with sadness and guilt, we are here to help. Stress, guilt, and regret are common concerns, and working with a trained professional can provide you with relief and a new perspective. Give PS Counseling Frisco a call at 469-747-1826 to schedule a consultation with licensed professional counselor Renee Cagle, LPC, NCC, or request an appointment through our secure online contact form. We offer online counseling to patients throughout Texas, and in-person counseling at our Frisco office.
Sources:
https://www.activekids.com/parenting-and-family/articles/mom-guilt-is-real-here-s-how-to-beat-it
https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-benefit-from-having-a-working-mom
